"Kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving of ways." Oh educators, if we got paid for every misdirected behavior that occurs in our classroom that stems from some other (often heartbreaking) piece of the puzzle that is our students life, we wouldn't have to worry about our 401k or share someone else's Netflix account ever again. We know that a child's behavior can be effected by how they slept last night, the way their morning got started, the level of stress at home, and any number of things taking place in their little lives. We hug them. We show them comfort. We give them empathy. We know that we may never understand all the things that a child is dealing with. We accept that it is not our job to understand but to provide a place of comfort and compassion, a cozy place to land when life gets hard.
Why is it then, when adults act out in similar ways, we don't offer them the same amount of grace and empathy? I think it's fair to say that we are all under some amount of stress right now. Teachers who are planning to go back to work are worried about illness and what classroom management looks like during a pandemic. These same teachers worry about the impact staying home will have on the academic and social growth of their students. Some parents are concerned about the health risks of sending their kids back to school. Others are concerned about the financial hardship that would be posed if schools did not open and they were unable to sustain their employment. These big feelings are piled on top of the regular day to day hardships that come with being a human adult. These are all very real concerns and natural fears for us to have. We are all experiencing this pandemic and feelings of fear together. In the same respect, they do not manifest in each person or home the same way.
Fear is an interesting emotion and doesn't often produce a rational reaction from those it inhibits. This is becoming evident as the majority of our life is being lived in an online platform due to social restrictions. I think what we are observing is the technical version of the fight or flight response. Personally, my response to fear is most definitely flight. When the information gets too heavy and I feel like the burden of 2020 is too much to bear, I go unplugged. I log out of social media. I turn off my phone. Maybe I lay on the couch or take a walk. I run from the problem and take a few blissfully unaware hours to recoup my mental capacity and pretend that things are going to be just fine. Conversely, if I log into any social media forum right now, I'd be willing to bet that the very first post in my news feed, and many to follow, is a heated discussion about the current state of affairs. There's a whole lot of fight going on.
This is not to say that there is any one right way to deal with the stress and fears that are plaguing us and becoming a prominent topic in our lives and on our social accounts. It is healthy to take breaks and digest your own thoughts. It is also necessary and productive to have deep and difficult conversations. However, it might be beneficial to consider what is triggering the reactions in ourselves and others. If we take the time to read our body and emotions, or apply context to the response of a friend or neighbor, it may be easier to reach a solution from a place of rationality and relative calmness. If we can offer some empathy and acknowledge one another's feelings and fears, it may deescalate the body's natural responses for fight or flee and allow for conversation and true collaboration.
In general people want to be heard and acknowledged. Even if we disagree with someone's premises, we can listen, offer empathy, scan our body, check our sources and calmly respond. If all else fails, we can always rely on one of my other favorite quotes "you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to."
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